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Due to Lucius' ascension into the spirit realm, he is no longer at liberty to answer questions from his guests.  It is our hope that the following collection of Lucius' wisdom will aid you in your time of need until such time as he returns to our dimension (for we must believe that he will return). You may, however, send your well wishes to

Stumpy writes:  Dear Lucius, I am continually amazed by the stories of your life and travels.  You are a true inspiration to fellow simian sock creatures.  My question is that in this election year have you considered running for office?  Someone as knowledgeable and insightful as yourself would surely be an asset to our great country in this time of world turmoil.  Perhaps a campaign for the Presidency?  You would have my vote and I'm certain a number of like thinking monkeys as well.
Lucius' staff answers:  I know that Lucius would thank you whole-heartedly for your support and kind words if he were so able.  Unfortunately, he has recently ascended into the spirit realm, and, frankly, we don't know when he will return - although we must have faith that he will return. 
As a result, any political ambitions that Lucius may harbor must be set aside for a future time.  I will, however, commend to you another sock monkey candidate currently running for office, the aptly named,
Sock Monkey.  Unfortunately, this will be the last question that we are able to answer until Lucius returns safely to us.

  Sock Monkey writes: "I have a new problem, my family has added a member named Sebastian. A Chihuahua-terrier mix that one day decided I was his prey. As you can see from the enclosed photo my leg, overalls, and a few other spots did not fair so well. What is your advice for a monkey living in such conditions?"
Lucius answers: Please first allow me to extend my most profound sympathies. Dog attacks are quite nightmarish. I still have nightmares regarding my experiences with the ghostly kitsune in Japan (while not dogs, they are canids). In any event, my most urgent advice is to relocate to higher elevations. Our long limbs and prehensile tails allow our species to adapt quite nicely to life among the tree-tops (or bookcases and coat racks). By avoiding the ground dwelling canine, you will avoid any further injury. Dogs are notoriously difficult to reason with and they are capable of shocking ferocity. Thus, I cannot counsel you to engage Sebastian in discourse. Next you must find a helpful hand to re-stuff your affected limb and suture your wounds. Amazingly, a sock monkey can lose up to 90% of his or her stuffing and still recuperate, so, do not fear for your immediate survival. Again I am truly sorry for the senseless violence that has befallen you. Hopefully, in time, you and Sebastian will reach some sort of peace. In the meanwhile, stay off the floor!

PJ writes: "I LOVE Sock Monkeys and would like to get a my first tattoo. Where might I Sock Monkey Tattoo Patterns?"
Lucius answers: That is a difficult question for me to answer as most of the tattoo artists with which I am well acquainted reside in New Zealand, Borneo and Japan and do not work from flash. I would suggest that you either bring your sock monkey (or a jauntily posed photograph thereof) to the artist of your choice or sketch out a stylized sock monkey design that you find meaningful and present it to that same worthy. Armed with either of these items, a competent artist will be able to design the tattoo and effect its permanence upon you. I wish you luck in your endeavor. Through thoughtful meditation, I am fully confident that you will compose a worthy design.

Neil asks: "Hi Lucius, I have a large piece of black obsidian I have had over 50 years, approximately 14" long, 10" wide, 10" tall, it's quite heavy. It came originally from Obsidian Mountain in Yellowstone National Park. Yes, I know that nothing is allowed to be removed from the park and would not remove anything now but as a youngster the rules were either not the same or I didn't know any better or didn't care. I am interested in making 4 antler handled knifes for my grandsons or if it is too difficult I would like to have them made by a professional such as your self. I would much prefer to make them myself as they would be keep sakes from Grandpa. Any assistance would be greatly appreciated."
Lucius answers: That is quite an impressive obsidian specimen! The knapping of obsidian is an ancient and noble art that I am quite sure you will be able to learn with proper instruction and practise. I feel that knives, made by your own hands, would be an incredibly thoughtful and moving gift for your grandchildren. And while I appreciate the compliment, I am unfortunately not a master flint-knapper. I have knapped out of necessity on two occasions, but I am only proficient enough to make emergency tools and lack the artistry you would require. However, I would direct you to the following on-line resources where you may find knapping artisans, advise and articles, tools and raw materials, and instructional books and films:, and These sources should aid you well whether you decide to knap the blades yourself or engage an expert to do so.
Essentially and simplistically, there are two main steps to knapping obsidian, flint or chert which are percussion and pressure flaking. Percussion consists of striking the subject rock with a billet or stone utilizing controlled blows to create a thin rough “blank.” Pressure flaking is more time-consuming and involves the pushing of a cylindrical pressure flaker, made of antler or copper, against the blank’s edges to gently remove small thin flakes, thus, shaping and sharpening the blade.
Obsidian is very consistent, but brittle, so great care must be taken while working with this material. Moreover, obsidian shards are incredibly sharp, roughly 500 times sharper than surgical steel scalpels. In fact, specialized obsidian blades are still used today to perform certain delicate ocular surgeries. Therefore, gloves and saftey glasses are necessary when embarking on such an endeavour. Finally, I note that your particular specimen is quite massive and will need to be cut into much thinner strips. To effect this, a wet saw should be utilised as excessive heat may seriously damage or crack obsidian.  You should also utilise an organic cartridge respirator while cutting to protect your lungs. If you lack the necessary equipment, you could possibly rent a saw or contact a competent lapidary to perform the dissection for you.

El asks: "Would it be the same if I used a more extravagant sock material, such as a striped sock or any other various design? I have never really seen Sock Monkeys with such elaborate and vivid coloring and design, besides the standard Sock Monkey and the Paul Frank Sock Monkey sock print Sock Monkey. I am interested in experimenting with Sock Monkey patterns and designs. So I wonder: would it be the same?"
Lucius answers: Dearest El, it would be the same, yet it would be different. For truth, much the way the striped tiger is often perceived as the epitome of its breed rather than, say, its melanistic brethren, the red heel sock monkey dominates the public's perception of that breed. Nonetheless, endless variations can and do exist across the sock monkey strata. While I appreciate the tradition and history of the red heel, I also enjoy the enormous spectrum of patterns and colors which adorn sock monkeys, for as a clan, sock monkeys revere uniqueness in all its forms. Therefore, I highly recommend experimenting with any type of sock that you desire.
Likewise, I would suggest experimenting with and altering any sock monkey patterns available to you. I have met an astounding array of sock monkeys (not to mention other sock creatures) who possess uncommon attributes. These unusual attributes range from the mild, such as pom-poms, white faces and long tales, to the fantastic such as multi-arms, multi-heads, and extreme size. Unlike humans, we sock monkeys do not perceive physical differences as deformities or aberrations, but as avenues towards diversity. For inspiration, I would guide you to my good friends at Fluff TV or Sappy Moose Tree, where red heels are certainly in the minority!

Mrmacc62 asks: "Your instructions don't say how to attach the arms to the monkey."
Lucius answers: Please accept my deepest apologies! You are quite correct, I was remiss in that area. In talking with many sock monkey makers, I have encountered two main theories of arm attachment, although other methods exist and one should feel free to experiment. The first method, known as the hinge method, is to simply sew the arm shut at the top where it was stuffed (hereinafter referred to as the "Arm Hole") and stitch the top of the arm flat against the body so that the arm lays against the body but may be maneuvered vertically up and down like a hinge. The second method, and the method which was utilized in my creation, is to take the arm after it has been stuffed, place it perpendicular to the body and sew the arm to the body following the circumference of the Arm Hole. With this method, the Arm Hole is not sewn shut prior to attaching it to the body. This method, also tends to make a sock monkey look more muscular as the arms stick straight out from the shoulders. I would also recommend for your review, instructions for creating the long tailed sock monkey at Ktoon's Sock Monkey Instruction Page. You will notice that the tail is almost twice as long as the tail depicted in the classic Rockford instructions. Although I am a short tailed monkey, I must admit that the longer tail is quite attractive and functional!

Cocoa asks:  "is a tattoo worth the sock? I might get one on the base of my tail. And if I should, what should I get?"
Lucius answers:  Dear Cocoa, I believe that sock monkeys are perfectly suited for expressing themselves through body modification such as tattoos. Embroidery thread, puffy paint, even the humble black magic marker may spice up any monkey’s sock, not to mention that a sock monkey's entire body is eminently pierceable. My personal tastes run towards mono and duo-chromatic geometric motifs such as one might find in Islamic art or in tribal designs such as those of the Maori. My cousin Ignatius is currently mulling over modifying his own socks. He has recently been discussing having eye implants installed in order to brighten up his visage.

Rachel asks:  "My two sock monkeys and I love your website Lucius! You’re their idol, they want to grow up just like you! I have made clothes for my sock monkeys, Cheesy Poker and Mr. Sockeybottom, but they are rags compared to your elaborate wardrobe. Did you make your own clothes or buy them? Where can I get some clothes?"
Lucius answers:  Dear Rachel, I am truly happy that you and your sock monkeys enjoy my website. It is the appreciation received from friends such as yourselves that provide me with the fortitude to continue my endeavors. I am enamored with your sock monkeys' monikers, they exude a certain air of frivolity and uniqueness that I find quite uplifting. I am sure that your sock monkeys appreciate your wardrobe creations immensely, and I am equally sure that you are being too modest comparing them to rags. All of my clothes have been made for me. However, through my friends at the Red Heel Monkey Shelter Message Board, I am aware of several outlets for sock simian habiliments. I have been told that certain sized bear clothes from build-a-bear or other such clothiers often are appropriate. I also know that Jombi, who may be found on the Message Board, makes quite wonderful sock monkey garments, and I believe she is amenable to selling said raiments. Lastly, my new friend Ceru at Sock Monkey Fun creates and sells wonderful apparel. I hope that you find this information helpful, for nothing is quite as stirring in the heart or mind as a well dressed sock monkey.

Grace asks: "Do my sock monkeys have feelings? How can I tell how they feel?"
Lucius answers: Most assuredly your sock monkeys have feelings.  Perhaps the easiest way to discern how they are feeling is to open a dialog with them.  Alternatively, if your sock monkeys tend to keep their own counsel, I find that it is our eyes which tend to be our most expressive feature.  Gaze into your sock monkeys’ eyes and you will see deeply into their psyches. 

Sarah asks: "I received an autographed picture from you, and it said 'your assistance in Bhutan was immensurable. . . .' I don't recall helping you in Bhutan, or even being there for that matter. Please refresh my memory."
Lucius answers: Dear Sarah, I am terribly sorry to hear that you have not fully recovered from your amnesia. However, given the ordeal that you have survived, I cannot say that I am surprised. Indeed, you recently accompanied me on an archeological expedition in Bhutan to recover a certain artifact of great power and ethnographic significance. Not surprisingly, we were not the only party interested in the item and when we arrived at its fabled location we were set upon by a insane sorceress of some renown. You bravely held off the sorceress with your knapsack long enough for me to snatch the artifact and stealthily subdue your attacker. However, before the witch was dispatched, she struck at you with a mind-numbing assault which left you semi-vegetative. When last I left you, in the capable hands of the staff at Singapore General Hospital, you had regained consciousness and were well on your way to recovery. I am extremely glad that you have recovered so well, and perhaps it is for the better that you do not recall this particular experience. Nonetheless, you will always have my gratitude.

Danny asks: "I'm in need of your help, Lucius. I've looked everywhere for polished black obsidian bowls. I saw on your site where you mention that you scry with one. May I ask where you obtained yours?"
Lucius answers: Danny, thank you for the inquiry. I received my obsidian bowl as a gift several decades ago in Venice during their Carnival. I happened upon an Italian mystic in need of my assistance. After rendering what aid I could to rectify his troubles, he presented me with the bowl as a token of appreciation. Unfortunately, that does not help you on your acquisitional quest, and a quick search on the web has been fruitless for me. If you are unable to find such a bowl, I might suggest that you try a darkly glazed pottery bowl as an alternative. In a pinch, any water tight container painted black on the interior would also suffice for scrying.

Tanya asks: "I am trying to find out why monkeys wear fezzes. Any ideas?"
Lucius answers: Your question is quite insightful. Monkey fezzes are designed to enhance brain waves and elevate thought processes, similar in concept to the failed pyramid hats created by humans. A monkey with a fez is a formidable force, not to be underestimated. However, because such power may be wielded for good or ill, it is wise to be cautious around such bedecked simians. Fezzes also keep our heads warm.

Lauren S. asks: "I was just admiring your photos on the website. Have you ever considered modeling? With your long limbs, ectomorphic frame and insouciance - I think you are a natural. I was also wondering if you were a student of Pilates? I can see from the photos, that you are quite limber. Anyway, you look smashing in the photos. Keep up whatever it is that you are doing. You are an inspiration to me and all that is beautiful."
Lucius answers: Lauren, thank you for your compliments, if I could blush, I certainly would! I have never engaged in fashion modeling, although such a seemingly glamorous lifestyle does have its appeal! However, I did model for several of the sculptures inside the Parthenon in Nashville, Tennessee, including the great Athena. While the sculptor did take some artistic license with my visage, I believe he succeeded in capturing my true essence. Although, I do not know if I would qualify as an official student, I did indeed know Joe Pilates. I first met him in Hamburg, Germany. I was very impressed with his Contrology and as we traded training secrets, I quickly developed a respect for his methods (which I like to think was reciprocated). Later, I visited Joe and his wife Clara several times in New York City where he taught me the six principles of feline power and grace which have served me well through the years.

Liz x asks: "I have a sock monkey but he seems quite depressed at the moment. I take him out everywhere I go, so I don't think it's because he's bored. I think he would like a female companion but am not sure where to find him one. Because as he is my first sock monkey I am unsure of how to handle this delicate matter."
Lucius answers: I have noticed that there seems to be many more male sock monkeys than female sock monkeys and I am unsure of what has caused this phenomenon. However, all is not lost, female compatriots may be found! I would suggest that you search Ebay to adopt a friend. Usually you must pay an adoption fee which varies by auction, but the fee is well worth finding just the right special friend. Alternatively, a simple internet search will bring you many sites where brand new sock monkey friends may be found. I know that some people are afraid that they will be stigmatized by such internet match-making, but I believe that modern necessity is eroding this perceived stigma.

Sock Monkey asks: "How do you keep yourself clean? My family gave me a bath and hung me up to dry!" "Speaking of which recalls the day I was at the movies and a little boy came up to me and pointed and said 'Dirty Monkey!' and ran away. Unfortunately this is a true story and was quite embarrassing as you can imagine."
Lucius answers: How embarrassing indeed! I agree, it can be quite difficult keeping oneself clean. When possible, I prefer a light spot cleaning with either a damp wash cloth, or if required, with a spray upholstery or spot cleaner. However, once in a while, one requires a full hand wash, scrub down, and blow dry. A full cleaning can be a jot hard on the poly-fil, but sometimes it is the only option. I suspect a machine wash and dry is possible, and perhaps even therapeutic, but I myself have never tried it. Perhaps other sock monkeys reading this would care to email me with their own hygiene regimen, which I would then be happy to post here!

Andrea asks: "Where did you find that stylish jacket you are wearing on your homepage? My sock monkeys are jealous. P.S. it's really easy to make sweaters for a sock monkey, just use argyle or wool socks."
Lucius answers: Thank you for your compliments! My smoking jacket was made from a donated silk tie which, while being a wonderful pattern, was far too narrow for today’s fashionable gents. Unfortunately, my tailor designed it on the fly, so I have no pattern to share with you. However, thank you also for your wonderful sweater idea. I hope many chilly sock monkeys will benefit from that tip!

Laura asks: "I would like to make a fez for my dearest friend and sock monkey, Luther. He is a very undemanding monkey, so I know he will never ask for one. But I found him gazing longingly at the picture of the fez posted with the directions for making a sock monkey. Unfortunately, I have been unable to find instructions for making one. . . . Luther is currently on the Oregon coast visiting family and I would love to surprise him when he returns home. Can you help me locate a pattern?"
Lucius answers: Indeed I can, Laura. I discussed the matter with my hatter and he has agreed to release his fez pattern. It is unthinkable that sock monkeys might be suffering without a proper fez. His pattern and instructions can now be found here. I hope the pattern and instructions meet your satisfaction.

Phaedra asks: "What tarot deck are you using in the picture on your web site.  Also, what do you use to scry with?"
Lucius answers: In the picture I am using a Waite-Smith variant called the Golden Rider.  It is essentially the imagery created by Pamela Coleman Smith and Arthur Edward Waite in 1910 but has been repainted in earthy oil paints by Francois Tapernoux. I have gilded the cards' edges myself and have added some of the detail from the original Waite-Smith deck which was lost in the repainting.  For scrying, I generally use a polished obsidian bowl filled with water.  I find that it is eminently portable and quite effective.

Jacob asks: "I just inherited some land and was told that I have fee simple subject to an executory interest. What does this mean?"
Lucius answers: A fee simple subject to an executory interest is an estate in real property that, upon the happening of a stated event, is automatically divested in favor of a third person other than the grantor.  For example: Logan conveys land to Arianna, provided, however that if the premises shall ever cease to be used as a bookstore, title shall pass to Cordelia.

Jessica asks: "How many whiskers does a cat have?"
Lucius answers: The average cat has twenty-four whiskers arranged in four rows on each side. The upper two rows on each side can move independently from the bottom two rows. Cats use their whiskers for navigating close confines.

Mathew asks: "In order for a knife to be called a 'kris', does the blade have to be wavy?"
Lucius answers: In short, no. A kris, or keris, is an important variety of knife that developed in Indonesia. Many keris do have waves, or luks, in their blades, but this is not a defining feature of a keris. There are many different styles of keris, and it is very difficult to assign features that would define a keris. Nonetheless, a keris blade may be described as being double edged and asymmetrical at the base. Here is an example of a straight bladed Javanese keris from my personal collection. However, that being said, if a knife were described as having a kris-like blade, it is most probable that it would sport a wavy blade.

Pelorius asks: "I was wondering if you are going to continue in search of your father? I think he is out there somewhere. Maybe closer than you think."
Lucius answers: I will indeed continue to look for my father. Even as we speak my genealogy software is working overtime. I have also recently completed a significant study of some of the more powerful magickal scrying arts with two of the finest mystic scholars of our times. As many of you know, assembling my family tree is of the utmost importance to me.

Bob asks: "Where oh where did your cousin Septimus get his fez? It is fetching!" "Also, Septimus' mother's name, Busisiwe, looks like it may have some origin in Bantu/Swahili? Perhaps you have family that travelled east from Morocco and settled? I wish you much luck in your search."
Lucius answers: Septimus' fez was made for him as a gift by Ralph Waldo Emerson's great, great, great, great grandson after Septimus recovered a valuable family heirloom for him. The "S" on the fez is, of course, Septimus' initial and the curved dagger above the letter represents a Moroccan koumiya, a national symbol of Morocco. According to Septimus, Busisiwe is actually Swazi for "we are blessed" and that she was indeed born in Swaziland. Septimus and I are currently searching for more links with our family in Swaziland.